We’re still trying to hire a lot of frontend engineers and it would be nice if everyone wasn’t male… What would it take for you to apply?

That is how I landed my current job — software engineer at an early stage startup. Before I got into computer science, I did theoretical and competition math, another heavily male-dominated field. For every math camp, math program, and now software engineering job, I got, I couldn’t help but wonder if I got special treatment because of my gender. This is an account of my experience with imposter syndrome, how it’s shaped my life, and what I’ve done about it.

Diagnosis: Moderate case of imposter syndrome

Patient History

I first noticed this phenomenon my freshman summer of high school when I got into an elite theoretical math camp (I actually wrote my college applications essay about my experience with imposter syndrome there). My best guy friend at the time told me he was applying so I also applied on a whim. I got in and he didn’t. He was pretty upset and told me I only got in because I was a girl. The acceptance rate was around 5x higher for girls than guys, yet the camp was only a quarter girls.

The acceptance statistic stuck in my head for the longest time. For the first couple of weeks, I found the problem sets impossible to complete. Everyone else seemed to be fine though? I silently suffered, grinding through the problems, feeling like I was so so stupid compared to my peers — International Math Olympiad and American Math Competition winners.

Another obvious example is Princeton. My freshman year, I felt like I was back at math camp again — surrounded by brilliant people and I couldn’t compare at all. Staying afloat academics was challenging. I questioned if my admission was a mistake.

This past summer I interned at a healthcare startup as a software engineer. I was first female engineer intern the company ever had in its 5-year history. Out of the 12 engineers, the only other woman was my mentor. My mentor has a Bachelor’s degree in physics, then went to medical school, and finally completed a coding bootcamp before joining the company. She was the 3rd hire and had been at the company for over 5 years. Yet, I was there when she was promoted to Senior Software Engineer. All the other male engineers at the company were already considered Senior at the time. I remember feeling so surprised to find out that she wasn’t Senior until her promotion. Did it take so long because of her gender? If I stayed at the company, would I have the same fate — taking longer to get promoted than my male peers? Was I just worse at coding than the other male intern? These were all questions that floated in my head the entire summer.

Finally, this past January, I started interning as a software engineer again at another early stage startup. This is where the opening quote came from. I felt imposter syndrome pretty strongly. It makes sense that the feeling is most intense when I’m thrown into a new environment. It’s steadily improved over the last two months! Today (3/11), our official Series A press release came out. I’m at the point where I feel like I truly belong at this company.

Symptoms and Side Effects

Imposter syndrome at its core is a feeling of not belonging. I feel like I am different from my peers, worse at X compared to them. It’s a constant worry that they looked past my incompetence but eventually they’ll find out that I’m not as good as they thought I was.

It makes it incredibly to focus, do my best work, and reach my full potential if I spend a nontrivial amount of time / effort worrying about my capabilities. Earlier on, this self-doubt would be so crippling that it actually interfered with what I accomplished. I always felt like I had something to prove. It genuinely stressed me out that I had no gauge on what other people thought of me.

However, I’ve come to deal with the feelings of inadequacy and not belonging. I think it’s impossible to completely rid myself of the initial feelings of imposter syndrome. If I’m in a completely new environment, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed and underprepared. Yet, with every new experience, I’m managing imposter syndrome better.

Treatment and Remedies

Some things that have worked for me!

Asking for feedback often

Managing expectations and knowing that I’m the same page as my superiors has worked super well. Having weekly check-ins has helped me understand what I’m doing well and what I could improve one.

Keeping visual reminders of accomplishments and remembering compliments

You are definitely also one of the most efficient people I have ever worked with haha. I feel like you embrace efficiency with everything you do

This was a really nice thing a coworker said to me a couple of weeks ago. I was so touched because I really respect him.

In addition to filing away compliments, my personal website, GitHub, and this blog serve as persistent reminders of everything I have accomplished.

Focus on myself and do my best work

Finally, I’ve found that the most effective way to counteract imposter syndrome is to focus on doing my best work. Sorta like fake it til you make it — trust that I got the job for a reason. I challenge the feelings of unworthiness but pushing myself to succeed.

Conclusion

Imposter syndrome has been a big part of my life. It started out as almost unmanageable but many years of experience later, I’m at peace with it. Especially with what has happened over the past year, I’ve learned that life is unpredictable and anything can happen. I waste time worrying about the future and whether or not I will fail. All I can do is focus on the current and that means working on myself. With this past year, I feel like I’ve finally grown into the person I was supposed to be all along. I believe and trust in myself. There is no obstacle I can’t overcome as long as I set my mind to it!